This is perhaps the culmination of my drivel: many close friends have told me that this writing is odd because it doesn’t sound like me as I am in life. It has a certain preachy quality to it that I haven’t settled into, so the voice sounds inauthentic to me.

It’s been clear to me since day one that I am not really achieving my goal of an unbiased account of my way toward the top. Instead, I am relating lessons I’ve learned previously and had the chance to digest and reflect upon in the form of allegory. My intention has been to write until I find my stride, and maybe in this uncertain moment, I have.

I think that allegorical style of writing is very useful for its intended purpose, but not necessarily for my purpose.

At this point I’m in the woods. I’ve run out of insight, and I am playing it by my gut. This is where I’ve wanted my writing to come from all along, but it’s different than what you’ve read in the past, I think. There is no call to action, and no prepackaged life lesson to be found.

The Time of Silence

I’ve decided to write a synopsis of the previous month or so because I’m hitting a wall with my writing. I normally like to package things in terms of the lessons I’ve taken away or practical advice I have about the goings on at Ideal or in my career generally. The issue is that this last month-plus has been intense and I can’t properly reflect upon it at this close distance. This is why I’ve been more quiet than usual.

Maybe a later post will have a full treatment of the material, but for now, let’s call this a journal entry to get my audience and my head up to date.

Five weeks ago

I was well on my way to ironing out the infrastructure project, and incidentally had stayed home from work one day due to weather. I let everyone know that I’d be working from home on the copious amount of documentation required by our industry regulatory body. This is paperwork our company has historically skimped on, but with a new line of products bringing much closer scrutiny, my goal was to have the correct documentation so that we wouldn’t have to worry about an audit.

A character that I don’t believe has been introduced properly because he’s just a bit player is Jason. Briefly: Jason is a sales guy who was originally hired to be the “development manager” but has no experience in development, nor development management. Shortly after he began at Ideal, he phased into sales full time. Be that as it may, he still believes he is a development manager and occasionally comes and shakes my tree. I always tell him “no,” which I feel sort of bad about because he doesn’t really know why I’m so difficult with him: he’s not my boss, and his role isn’t what he thinks it is.

Jason e-mailed me that day I stayed home and asked if I’d be doing any coding. I told him I wouldn’t, that I had more than enough documentation to fill my day with. He responded, chastising me by telling me I should be fixing bugs in one of our products, and CC’ed Jesper on it. I wrote a message back to him in which I outlined in detail what my job role is at Ideal, and how I’d been exceeding my goals consistently, implying that he could kindly piss off.

Before sending it, I considered how Jesper might take it, and my suspicions were confirmed when Jesper replied to the CC saying that I did not have the authority to write documentation, that I was paid to write code only, and I’d better do it. Further, I was not to interact with Ben or Walter any more because he was the head of development.

This was a blow on at least two levels: it undermined my job role, and it undermined my reporting hierarchy. I felt that I couldn’t continue at Ideal if this was to stand because I would be fundamentally incapable of achieving my goals there.

Three Weeks Ago

So I spent approximately two weeks attempting to get face time with David. I knew if I got into a pissing contest about my job role with Jesper, the frenetic bulldozer, I would lose badly. I needed to do an end run around him, and establish my place in the company on firm ground. David was the only one who could do that.

Unfortunately, David is almost impossible to get face time with. After days of nothing, I spent the next week being stood up for meetings repeatedly. I was quite stressed about my future, and David’s apparent lack of regard. I finally cornered him and got an hour.

I was unprepared for that hour. I always knew David was good — but I had no idea how good. I fancy myself a savvy sort of politician when the time comes for politics. I think I have insight into human nature. David ran such skillful circles around me that I didn’t even notice until a day later. I went into his office wanting two solid answers:

1. Why did he hire me? What is my job role exactly?
2. Who do I report to in your company?

I came away feeling uneasy, but like I had accomplished something. David had spent the hour grilling me about what I was doing and my perceptions of Ideal. He asked me many questions that were unfair, or maybe that I was simply ill-equipped to answer. He offered me no information whatsoever, only saying that I’d hear something, sometime, from someone.

And he did all this without me noticing.

This experience was nerve wracking for me in several ways:

• I had not achieved any sort of clarity or recourse from Jesper’s public outburst (did I mention me CC’ed his admonishment to half the company?).
• I was shaken by David’s apparent expectations for the infrastructure project. Just by way of example, he was surprised that it took around two hours per day from me, yet expected a detailed training and rollout plan, when I could barely muster the support to get the product functional.
• Last, my head was spinning: this meeting changed my perception of David. I viewed him afterward not as a mentor, but as a predator. I saw that he was far more savvy than I, and could manipulate me readily. I wondered to myself if I even wanted to achieve that level of skill in manipulating people. I think my nuanced answer is that I want to be good enough to recognize that sort of skill in others, but I’m afraid of the personality changes I’d have to undertake to become that manipulative.

Two Weeks Ago

I waited impatiently for a reply of some kind. Feeling put off, insecure in my role, and out of sorts from David, I spoke to Walter about the situation briefly, and discovered he had heard of it, but achieved no further clarity until later in the week. That Thursday I happened to speak to Walter again, and this time he was developing an organization chart.

This made me feel good — I realized that instead of responding by stirring up political trouble with Jesper in order to clarify “Ken Sharpe’s role at Ideal,” David had instructed Walter to develop a comprehensive org chart to solve the whole mess and prevent anything like it from happening in the future. This was good, and I was impressed with David’s forethought. I wasn’t impressed with the lack of communication, but I was satisfied that something was being done.

Shortly, I planned to alter Walter’s org chart if necessary: if clarity for my job role had already been achieved, it would be reflected in the new org chart. If not, the vacuum of the official role which I perhaps unofficially fill will be apparent, and I will slide into it easily, with a little finesse.

One Week Ago

Literally the same day I planned to work my finesse on the org chart, I heard that David had been fired. I have no real support from executive management now, and I don’t know what the future holds.

This Week

This morning, as I pulled into the parking lot a little later than I usually do (I normally open the gate and building, the first one to arrive), I saw Ben storm across the parking lot, cell phone in hand, face red, arms failing. Ben is unflappable — his motto is “Don’t sweat it.”

Later, Ben (just to remind readers, this is the CFO of the company) E-mailed me to tell me that he didn’t have the authority to enter my quarterly bonus (which is contractually guaranteed) into the system, and that I’d have to take it up with Jesper. Clearly some shit is going down here at Ideal, and nothing is certain right now.

Meanwhile…

Meanwhile, I’ve done what I promised. I have begun reaching out to my network, feeling for new opportunities. Last night I negotiated a new consulting contract for a couple months of work at $200 per hour, which is promising. Tomorrow I plan to update my resume, and begin that process. All is not lost: I do not believe my employment is directly at risk, only my growth potential at Ideal. That means I can take my time in determining whether my goals for employment there are realistic. If they aren’t, I can look forward to leisurly search for my next opportunity.

I have developed 90% of a piece of software that can automatically generate a goal map with all the advanced features I need — I’ll try to have it done by Friday so I can post about advanced goal mapping and share my plan for the future.

Things always change. I think the people who win are those who can use change to their advantage. We’ll see if I’m one of those.

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